Valentine's Day Edition: Best Bad Dates
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been asking friends, family, and complete internet strangers to tell me about their best (funny!) bad dates. For this extra-special Valentine’s Day post, I have compiled some of my favorites to share with you.
Whatever your love situation is today, I hope these stories make you laugh and remind you that things could be way, way worse. Grab your heart-shaped candies and enjoy!
Welcome to My Crib
“I had one guy invite me over to his house for a bonfire. But instead we watched basketball with his parents since he lived in their basement.”
“...I got picked up and he had a sign that said ‘Free Hugs’. He asked me to stand on the street holding the sign while he filmed across the street.
In my mind, I was like, Okay, I guess this is creative. And I do love hugs! But after he filmed for about 45 minutes he was like, Thanks so much for helping me out with my music video, wish we had more time to grab a bite but I've got to go edit. And that's it. I was like, Wait, what?!”
This One Sounds Like a MadLibs Game
“He showed up 40 minutes late in an inexplicably wet shirt, was rude to the bartender, got drunk immediately, and then told me my art would never be good unless I went to SCAD like him.”
A Different Kind of Dessert
“One guy took me out, ordered cheesecake and a beer, grabbed my butt and then sent me dick pics after.”
Drop the Mic
“Live karaoke where my date thought he was super talented—and was not—but he nevertheless forced himself on stage all night. THE WORST.”
Kisses Like a Horse, Minus the Coconut Sound Effects
“He brought his friend. He knew it was a date, he brought the friend anyway. I really liked him, so he came back to my apartment and we watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He didn't laugh once. He also kissed like a horse.”
He Gets the Zzz, You Get the $$$
“Half way through a first date that I thought was going decent, this guy gets a text, looks at it and says, I have to go, my Ambien prescription is ready. Then he threw some money down for our drinks and left quickly. I was just there like WTF just happened? Thankfully he left enough money to buy myself another drink.”
I Fly Like Paper, Get Dumped By Planes
“My very first date was with this boy named Skylar, he never technically asked me out but we agreed to go see the same movie at the same time. So I grabbed my then best friend and he grabbed his friend and we all met up at the movie theater...Skylar was too nervous to actually talk to me so we spent the entire afternoon not speaking, just awkwardly sitting next to each other.
Halfway through the movie, my friend grabbed his arm and put it over my shoulder. Neither of us knew what to do, so we did nothing. We continued not to speak for the rest of the ‘date’ and the next day at school, he threw a paper airplane at me that said, My mom says we can’t date anymore. We never spoke again.”
"My first grown up Atlanta date was with with a guy I met at club. I met him at his apartment's garage, hopped in his car and we went to Canoe. Mind you: I’m 22 and I was just so impressed that I could order whatever I want and full bottle of wine #fancy.
So great dinner, convo, the whole shabang. After dinner, he was like, I don’t want the night to end. Heart eyes! So he was like, Do you like to dance? Duh, of course. We go to the classic MJQ. We dance, drink, and have a great time.
So we’re on the way back to his place and I’m like, I’m a little drunk, cool if I sober up at your place before I leave? He responds with, I’m sorry you can’t come up. I live with my girlfriend. My drunk ass is flabbergasted. We pull up to my car and I hop out so fast. We stare at each other from our cars for like 15 minutes then I cry on the way home."
Bumble bee needs a new hive
"I met this guy on Bumble. We text back and forth for probably a month before meeting up. We had very good conversation and he was this insanely attractive Filipino guy (never tried it, why not?)
We meet at Amer for a drink; one drink turned into three and then the bar was closing. He walked me back to my car where we decided to continue to hang out at my place. He comes back with me and one thing leads to another and we are laying in bed, having intimate conversation and this guy proceeds to tell me that he is going to be HOMELESS at the end of this month. This guy is on a dating app, paying for drinks, driving a Mercedes and can’t afford rent. He’s also a college graduate who used to be a regional sales representative for a company. I’m not sure if he is into drugs or what but we haven’t seen each other since and that was in June."
E.T. Go Home
"The first half of the date consisted of him talking about his family's money and the size of his house and the private planes they own, which is beyond unnecessary and a huge turn off. Then we're at dinner just talking about space and the possibility of aliens (which I'm open to the idea of. I mean, who knows what's out there!) when he says to me, Oh I absolutely believe in aliens. Now evolution...eh, that's questionable. But aliens for sure! I was like, is this guy for real? That was enough for me to never need another date with him again.
The Memento Asshole
“...He has one or two beers and starts going on about how hot my step mom is, and in explicit detail talking about her breasts and her body. Then he moves on to talking about how hot my SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD sister is, again in graphic detail. I left before finishing my drink...At the time, I didn’t have the voice or the confidence as a woman to say to his face how fucking inappropriate and wrong it was but I took to texting him the next day and he claimed he had no memory of it.”
He Should Invest in Some Better Conversation Topics
“Real estate investor told me I don’t like swearing on you. So I said, Shut the fuck up, and left him with a $400 bar tab.”
Power Move the Fuck Away From Me
“He left me at the bar for 20 minutes to take a work call, proceeded to talk about his ex the whole time, after 20 minutes of him talking about himself, he scolded me for not talking enough about myself, to which I said, Well, you’ll have to ask some questions. His question? If you could bathe in any food item, what would it be? (I said avocado, the least sexy food item I could think of.)
Then, when we were leaving, he called an Uber. When the driver called him, he answered the phone and goes, Hey Garrett. Yeah, I’ll be there in two minutes. Okay, thanks Jarrod. So I asked him, What was the driver’s name? Was it Garrett or Jarrod? To which he responded, Oh, that’s a power move. You got to keep them guessing. !!!!!! BYE”
This Date Score? 0.
“A Harvard lawyer was so boring—asked me my credit score.”
The Duke Juke
"I met this boy on Hinge. His profile said he's studying Law at Duke. I'm like, OMG, amazing. And I checked his Facebook and he had been tagged in pictures from the Duke Law School so I was like, Okay, he's legit. We had texted so everything seemed normal and I agreed to go out with him. He suggested Mary Mac's for dinner and said he lived in walking distance and that I should park my car at his place and we could walk over.
When I met him, everything was fine. We didn't hit if off but I just laughed and though he was a bit of a nerd. Fast forward to after dinner when we're trying to get into the apartment complex and he doesn't know how to open the gate. He asked me to help and I'm like, Hello, I don't live here...you do. That's when he said, No, I don't. I rented this Airbnb for tonight.
Jaw. Drop. WTF."
And my personal favorite...
I met this guy on Tinder, really beautiful face, decent conversation and asked me within the first day of texting to meet. I figured Why not? Mind you, this is my FIRST Tinder date. I was really excited, proud of myself for putting myself out there and taking a risk.
Things started to go south after I first agreed to go to dinner. The following message was, Ok, I have this coupon book you can pick something out of BOGO entrees…but it’s in the car so I’ll have to send it to you tomorrow. I’m trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt that dating is expensive.
We decide on Parrish and pick a time for the following day. I get there on time, walk up to the door and realize it’s closed. I call him to see his whereabouts and Red Flag #2: his voice. He was so goofy even over the phone. He states that he is parked around back and so I walk around. The MOMENT I set eyes on him I knew that it would never ever ever work out. You’ve seen Crazy, Stupid, Love right? Steve Carell before his makeover, that was my date.
I try to continue on as normal. I give him a hug as he proceeds to say Ow! Ow! Oooww! referring to his scraped abdomen that he scraped climbing a tree that was, in his words, jizzing on his car. At this point, I’m really praying that I see no one that I know, or even an acquaintance. We walk the BeltLine to Two Urban Licks where I am just churning out as many questions as I can to keep the conversation on him and nothing about me. He keeps the coupon book on the table the whole time, the waiter specifically keeps asking me if I’M okay.
Luckily, we sit next to these two older women who are having a staycation in the city for one of their birthdays and also carrying our conversation. He gets the pork brisket and the women are sold. They proceed to order the same thing.
Our conversation was so bad, one statement in particular:
Me: What projects are you working on? (he’s an actor, hence the photogenic face)
Him: I meeeean, do you want to see my resume?
Me: Umm, what was the last project you worked on?
Him: a Rooms To Go commercial.
So we’ve finished our meal, or so I thought and the women next to us can’t finish their briskets. He asks for a to-go box [of their food] so that he can take it with him. We walked back to our cars with absolutely no intentions of follow up. My jaw hurt from being so clenched the whole time and I still have yet to eat at Parrish.
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Hundreds of people shared their best bad date stories with me and I am FOREVER grateful for their trust and (now-funny) misfortune! If you like these, be sure to let me know and I'll share a Part 2 in the near future. And if you have your own bad date story, please share it with me in the comments below! Or let me know here for a chance to be anonymously featured.